Chertoff Moonlighting As Fortune Teller

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WASHINGTON -- U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff admitted today that he has been working as a fortune teller in his spare time.
Chert
"Some of the populace has recently been criticizing me for my gut feelings," said Chertoff in a press conference. "The fact is, I have a proven track record in these types of matters. I can't even begin to count the number of instances where I have accurately predicted that people would find romance and new jobs."

Chertoff was accompanied on stage by one of his clients, identified only as "Edith."

"This man is a modern day Nostradamus," remarked Edith. "I think Mike's gut is right up there in importance now with Buddha's, and Buddha was a nice person. I was sure my love life was over, but then six months ago I had a session with Mike and he felt good things for my future. This changed my outlook and next thing I know I was getting the sweet man beef I had been so badly craving. Thank you, Mr. Chertoff. You are a true icon."